Illegal Immigrants Deserve a Fair Deal

by: Chip

Thu Jul 29, 2010 at 10:58:56 AM EDT

Dear readers, many of you have probably read Max Brooks' novel World War Z. (Personally, I've read it a dozen times, mostly because I giggle gleefully at the thought of zombies munching their way through half of America.) Brooks wrote one particular line that stuck with me, even more so during our super retarded immigration debate: "Americans expect a fair deal."

Upon further consideration, I agree. Americans are a people who get riled up when Walmart won't provide a refund when the $200 gadget capable of deep-frying vegetables ends up being defective. We enthusiastically worship oil and willfully ignore the firm, hairy-knuckled grasp of Big Oil as it clenches its fist over our collective scrotum, but hey, when BP messed up, we expected them to foot the bill. Basically, when someone fucks us over we expect to be compensated.

And despite our country's brutish nature, we do sometimes play the role of gentle giant. Well okay, the gentle retarded giant; we had a baby bird named Iraq and broke its neck whilst petting it. After we nuked Japan into rubble, for better or worse, we hung around so that country could rise like a phoenix from the ashes. A terrifying, Pokemon-loving, sex robot-building phoenix who constantly jacks off to tentacle porn, but a phoenix nevertheless.

America also has a nasty habit of jovially subjugating various peoples within our borders. Or, in regards to Native Americans, peoples whose borders we decided weren't Christian enough. Yes,America's treatment of Indians, Africans, and Asians was sickening, and perhaps the retribution America provided was largely a slap in the face. However, our retarded gentle giant at least attempted some sort of retribution, whether it be casinos, Affirmative Action, or a check and an apology for internment. While we sane and humble folks can agree those aforementioned consolation prizes are a laughable pittance, they are, at least superficially, something in return for all the goofy slavery, internment, and, ya know, genocide 'n stuff.

Then we have our southern neighbors, with their awful dress habits, inconsistent hygiene, and proclivity for putting too many of their own citizens to death. Yes, I'm talking about Texas and Arizona. These two states have stoked irrational fear and hatred of the Central and South Americans who've hopped the border into the US. After Governor Jan Brewer signed the happily draconian immigrant law, vast chunks of our populace rose up and applauded. Opposing the underlying logic of the Arizona law is, for some, difficult. After all, those illegal immigrants are here illegally so they have to leave. How can ya argue with the logic?

Quite easily, actually. You see dear readers, the American government has been fingerbanging Central and South America ever since 1823's Monroe Doctrine, with which we pretty much told European imperialists to go fuck themselves and stay away from our hot Latina girlfriend. Since then, our government has treated Central and South America like a bastard state of the union, the less desirable one we keep in the basement. We only feed it one bucket of fishheads a week, we don't tell our neighbors about it, and, from time to time, we murder their democratically-elected leaders - who are usually left wing reformers - because they go against our economic interests.

In short, and this is by no means a comprehensive list, the American government has: Supported the brutal hereditary dictatorship of the Somoza family in Nicaragua for 40 fucking years then acted all surprised when the Sandanistas popped up; Texans say "Illegal immigrants from Mexico shouldn't be here!", all the while forgetting that America stole Texas from Mexico then, in a truly cruel act, filled it with Texans; we paid Panama dictator-slash-drug lord Manuel Noriega to keep communists out of his country, mostly by murdering as many Panamanians as possible (because hell, a few must have been commies, right?); Ike Eisenhower famously toppled the left wing reformist government of Guatemala and thus brought on instability, poverty, and a ridiculous nationwide murder rate all because American businessmen were super protective of their banana profits (literally).

Now dear readers, the aforementioned cases of America's Fingerbang of Imperialistic Doom are often the direct causes for folks from these fingerbanged nations jumping over our borders. Simply, they are poor in large part due to American involvement. Put yourself in their shoes: If the CIA showed up to your town, killed your mayor, shot your puppy, and stole your fucking bananas, wouldn't you expect an apology and, God willing, some retribution?

Yes, you would. Because we're Americans. For all our faults, we are a people who expect something resembling a fair deal.

Amnesty, bitches!

Ted Nugent: Now THERE'S a Tea Bagger

by: Chip

Mon Jul 26, 2010 at 12:34:57 PM EDT

They call him Nuge. Deadly Tedley. Motor City Madman. He ran around the stage in leopard-skin pants and, although the pants weren't really made from a leopard, Nuge certainly slaughtered several lesser animals then painted their remains to look like one. He considers everyone on welfare to be a dreg of society. Nuking Iraq is his preeminent suggestion for foreign policy. And, right now, he's doubtlessly firing an automatic weapon at a bunny rabbit. Or possibly a kitten. After all, it's his Constitutionally-protected right to do so.

We're talking about Ted Nugent, of course. Now if there was ever a rocker who displayed the virtues of a blue collar conservative while still retaining the personality of a right wing war monger, it's Nugent. He is, without a doubt, the true embodiment of the modern American right wing.

Terrifyingly, editors and publishers see fit to allow Nugent to write stuff. And when reading Nugent's various queef bubbles I can almost smell the blood, probably because Nugent believes pen ink is for commies, preferring to carve his first drafts into a deer carcass with a bowie knife (just how George Washington would have done it). How this transfers onto a WordPress blog is beyond me, although Nugent's USB drive must be a sight of unimaginable gore littered with puppy skull fragments.

One of Nugent's recent turd danglers appeared on Human Events, a ridiculous conservative website full of ridiculous things, not the least of which is Nugent himself. Anyway, Nugent explains how America has totally been hijacked by left wing communist principles because, ya know, everybody in the White House is a Maoist. Literally.

Nuge says, "At least from my own research, I still can't find anyone on the President's closest team who has actually started a successful business. I can, however, find Che and Mao fans."

Well, dear friends, I'd like to see what Nugent thinks 'research' is. I envision him turning on his computer, leaning toward the monitor and saying, "Okay Mr. Internet, how many communists are in the White House?" With the monitor unresponsive, Nuge patriotically peppers the hard drive with hollow-points, resigning himself to the ominous fact that the Maoists have indoctrinated his PC.

Like your average Tea Bagger, Nugent has a penchant for swallowing conservative talking points with little or no questions. Of course Nuge knows Reaganomics works; all that icky "destruction of the unions and a crack-addicted underclass" business? Blame welfare cheese and big government. You have to be hard on crime; all the evidence of rehabilitation being more effective than solitary confinement for 17-year-old with a possession charge is just the rabble of faggoty college liberals. Nugent can enlighten us about the Recession, which wasn't caused by the corporatism of the Bush years as much as it was caused by, ya know, poor people...poor people who want your tax money!

Nuge proclaims, "Capitalism is the strongest man-made force on the planet." Given this statement, I guess he thinks Adam Smith spent all his time at a work bench, ya know, making capitalism.

But to challenge his positions will only lead Nugent to condemn you as a dirty commie rat. Clearly, collectivist scum like us want to forget about those golden semi-libertarian years of yore...back when our meat had rat poo on it and janitors in textile factories had to sweep up the severed digits of child laborers after each shift.

Or perhaps Nugent, like the average Tea Bagger, is incapable of thinking critically about our past. Mind you, there hasn't been a time since the unregulated industrial cesspools of the early twentieth century when the Baggers' imaginary libertarian wonderland actually existed. The most prosperous years for American workers came in the 50s. Yeah, free market worked wonders...after WW2 left our industrial rivals in ruin and the implementation of the welfare state. (I guess FDR, Truman, and Ike were Maoists too.)

Nugent also has good reason to admire the Bushes and Cheneys of America. Because Nuge has a hard-on for guns, bombs, and war, but conveniently weaseled his way out of the Vietnam draft. Nuge has gone on record about how he's made up for his draft dodginess by playing USO shows. Because that's totally the same thing.

Instead of wrapping up this post neatly, I prefer to leave you with this: Nugent has often voiced a desire to run for public office.

That is all.  

Glenn Beck's Going Blind (Awesome!)

by: Chip

Wed Jul 21, 2010 at 16:46:07 PM EDT

Surely there will be a cascade of well-wishes, prayers, and sympathies for Glenn Beck. Beck, of course, has revealed to his slovenly, poorly-dressed, mall-frequenting Tea Bag audience that he may well go blind. Alas, this is the time when even Beck's ideological opponents, nay, enemies even, should take the high road and wish the pundit a speedy recovery.

Fuck the high road.

Beck is an iconic mouthpiece perfect for the slobbering public embracing him. George Carlin once suggested those politicians we all hate so much may not be the reason America is so trashy these days. The source of a collective shittiness, our lack of compassion, intellect, or even a half-honest elected leader, Carlin asserted, was the public. While there are chunks of our citizenry who certainly aren't so horrid - Lib Porn readers, for instance - we have to agree with George: A public who willfully allows itself to be led into intellectual blindness (aw snap, a pun) by an obvious fraud and money-grubbing minstrel through tapping into said public's prejudices and bigotry isn't worth a pile of steaming recently-fisted-fag turds.

One might ask, "Why harbor such contempt for Beck simply because you disagree with him?" Well, sane and humble folks like us consider Beck to be a worthless excuse for a human because he preys on the fears and weaknesses of regular people, only to march them lockstep in support of criminal wealthy elites who have utterly no interest in helping those very same regular Joes and Janes (many of whom, by the way, are unemployed, drowning in debt, or on shoestring budgets). To be clear, we at Lib Porn - and any other responsible, open-minded individual - don't hate conservatives. I personally think men like David Frum and John McCain 1.0 (the pre-2006 McCain, the one who supported free wireless internet for the ghetto and amigo amnesty, and totally wasn't a gutless weasel) were respectable men who weren't half as corrupt as the so-called 'liberals' for which we usually settle.

There are conservatives who honestly think their worldview is beneficial to most. Beck and the leading Baggers (along with Boehner, McConnel, Sugar Tits Palin, etc.) are different. They target middle and working-class white folks who are terrified of BET, not to mention black people in positions of power. Their goal is to make money off of divisions amongst people who should be sticking together to look out for their own interests. And Beck is the worst. Not just because he commands a multi-million strong viewership who'd gargle his dingleberries with jubilant enthusiasm, but since he's just a pundit, he's in no way held accountable for his actions. Even when he manipulates halfway-dead Baby Boomers hooked up to oxygen tanks into handing over their retirement money for overpriced gold nuggets. As we speak, the elderly woman across the street from me is convinced of the pending socialist-black-homosexual revolution in America and, in preparation, has all of her Goldline nuggets packed into the seat of her Hoveround, right next to her shotgun.

So no, we at Lib Porn don't wish Beck well. Fuck him. If his eyeballs plop out of their sockets during his show tonight, I'll giggle so hard I'm likely to choke on my popcorn. If I see a blind Glenn Beck on the street, I won't hesitate to kick his walking cane out of his hand and lure his seeing-eye dog into heavy traffic. He can go to hell.

And society as a whole needs to stop glorifying and pitying poisonous charlatans like Beck (or, on that note, Jerry Falwell) who fall ill or just plain croak. A fraudulent criminal liar who's stricken with blindness or another crippling ailment is, doubtlessly, still a fraudulent criminal liar. Fuck them, fuck Beck. I'm sure he has plenty of Goldline dollars coming in to afford a fucking Braille dictionary. I suggest the first word he learns is "karma".  

Dear America: Stop Hating Smart People

by: Chip

Mon Jul 19, 2010 at 09:33:36 AM EDT

Mike Adams, professor and columnist for TownHall.com, really digs quotation marks. In his new article he describes how liberal "intellectuals" find "solutions" to difficult "problems", mostly by destroying society by advocating faggoty social programs.

"Intellectuals" are, apparently, very un-American. Even "intellectuals" American conservatives have taken a shine to are magically gutted of their "intellect", historically revisionized and whited-out by the Great American Cock which covers all those fruity, un-freedom-loving parts with the white gooey goodness of liberty. So a guy like Adam Smith, who humbly recommended a strong government amid all those free markets, becomes a flag-waving, gun-wielding, red-blooded American patriot, despite Smith's negligible status as a Scotsman.

And thus in demonizing "intellectuals" Adams continues the uniquely American tradition, at least of the last few decades, of taking a dump on folks we believe are smarter than us. Hell, who doesn't have an inner desire to cover a smug smarty pants with copious amounts defecation, metaphorical or otherwise?

Except Adams' charges against "intellectuals" and progressivism lack a basis in reality, as usual for such arguments. Adams contends the Great Society of LBJ is a direct cause for a spike in violent crime in the 1960s and 70s, a statement that all but screams 'logical fallacy' because, darn it, if the welfare state was such a poisonous monstrosity unleashed on a God-fearing population of libertarian bootstrappers, why didn't crime spike after FDR enacted the New Deal? Of course, conservatives like Adams would respond: "Fuck you Chip, you just hate mainstream Americans." And such a charge against my feelings toward flag-wavers just might be correct, although it has no bearing on the mud-butt turd bowl of bullshit conservative arguments against progressivism.

Now, don't get me wrong, we don't dig cut-and-dry support for any particular train of thought. We at Lib Porn feel nothing but contempt for fuzzy liberal jackasses of the artsy fartsy variety, those knuckleheaded quasi-do gooders with a belief that black poverty can be alleviated if we just paint enough Afro-centric murals around the ghetto. As far as staunch anti-porn feminists (of both genders) searching endlessly for pro-rape content in Playboy and sexist language in English class texts, well, we wish nothing less than Bird Flu upon them. Strict communists and anarchists who believe any sort of monetary transaction in our hemisphere negatively impacts a Tutsi in Rwanda needs to, for lack of a better phrase, calm the hell down. From fashionably liberal suburbanites to Back-to-Africa primitivists to art school dickholes who believe charcoal paintings will save the world, we have more than enough maddeningly wild hatred for the various retardations, brain-farts, and dangling dingleberries of the left. For realsies.

Yet despite the American conservative's disdain for those irrelevant little things only homosexuals and socialists love, otherwise known as 'facts', we have evidence of "intellectual" ideas like certain social democratic policies having a positive impact on the none-to-impressive regular folks like us. Of course, Europe isn't perfect, but the social democracy/capitalist mixture sure seems to work well. And darn it, America's own social democratic experiments were working rather well until our owners saw fit to allow our manufacturing sector to move to Mumbai, gut the unions, and replace welfare cheese with Ronald Reagan's wrinkled ball sack.

As for the spike in crime Adams mentioned? Well, he's full of shit. Despite the unrest of the 60s and 70s, crime really spiked in the 80s and 90s, coinciding with a hefty rightward shift in America wherein Reagan, Bush the First, and liberal darling Bill Clinton told the working-class to go fuck itself.

And, oh yeah, crack.

Nobody likes to feel stupid. So yes, guys like Adams - who, being a professor and all, must have one fuck of an inferiority complex, that or he really hates the Humanities professor in the classroom nextdoor - will thrash about to debunk the "intellectuals" and their totally un-American ideas. Except we call them "intellectuals" for a reason. The reason? They're fucking smarter than the rest of us. America's hatred of "intellectuals" will, we hope, eventually come back to bite the flag-wavers in the ass. Because hell, how can you hate smart people then tell bucktoothed Red State progeny to do well in school?

"Study hard, son. But not too hard. Because then you'll be a liberal faggot."

America, folks.    

Townhall.com Writer Opens Our Eyes On The Education Problem

by: Chip

Thu Jul 15, 2010 at 12:05:56 PM EDT

Marybeth Hicks, writing for Townhall.com, has given my tender communistic soul a much needed kick in the balls. You see, dear readers, for years I held the position that when it came to poor kids getting an education, one had to consider a number of factors. Cyclical poverty, drug and alcohol abuse, poor healthcare - not to mention America's (seemingly) apathetic and sometimes downright angry views on the poor - were just a few challenges facing underclass children. Until Ms. Hicks taught me otherwise, I was certain the educational problems of all underprivileged tykes, from white rural redneck kiddies to black inner-city gangsterized youngsters, stemmed from a complicated mess, a collective negligence on America's part, a sickening betrayal of our most vulnerable children.

But how wrong I was. To my surprise, Ms. Hicks explained in her article how the intricacies of an institutional dysfunction in the American education system - for example, the backward practice of funding schools with local property taxes, thus keeping schools in poor neighborhoods rather cruddy - were irrelevant. See, after reading up on a study in which researches provided home computers for underclass children who would otherwise have no internet access at home, Ms. Hicks noted that most of the impoverished children's grades didn't improve. In fact, their grades suffered. Those poor kids were playing video games online instead of using the internet to augment their studies. Why? Because the children have no discipline.

Now the lack of discipline highlighted by Ms. Hicks goes beyond the realm of education, or at least I thought it did, ya know, back when I was a communist who preferred a rolled up an American flag to toilet paper. In those days, especially after growing up with a number of impoverished kids, I held a view which saw the plight of underclass children, and their lack of good parental supervision, as a symptom of a broken economic system, a giant "Fuck You!" from a country that didn't give too much of a damn about it's poor. With a lack of jobs in poverty-stricken areas, not to mention urban (and yes, rural) violence, plus the disintegration of the nuclear family in the ghetto, it's no wonder many poor children grow up with no discipline.

But, again, I was wrong. Now that Ms. Hicks has enlightened me, I understand the discipline problem which causes poor youngsters to consistently not learn shit in school stems from their parents' stupidity. And quite literally so, according to Hicks. She writes: "A well-educated person - no matter what his economic background - will figure out how to get a computer in his home and use it to his advantage."

She goes on to say, "It's time to stop throwing money, technology, and excuses at poor children and calling it education."

You see, dear readers, communistic Kenyan-lovers such as me (and probably you) can't see the simplistic solution to the problems of America's poor. Those welfare queens just don't have enough good old fashioned drive for success, a lack of American elbow grease, and have no interest in pulling their own bootstraps. Poor folks devoid of the American Spirit have, for too long, been spoiled rotten by all of the money hardworking Middle Americans have thrown at them. They already have free public schools, for Christ's sake. (And I know what you commies are gonna say, so I'll tell you now: There wouldn't be so many goddamn crack dealers outside the school if the neighborhood residents didn't hate freedom so much. As for the lack of decent textbooks, crumbling infrastructure, and teachers fleeing urban public schools, well, we'll just...ugh...let the free market take care of it. Or something.)

Ms. Marybeth Hicks is trying to get us dirty leftists of America to understand how simply poor folks can better their own situations. All it takes is discipline. And we mustn't make excuses for poor families who can't break their cycle of poverty; blaming a vanishing manufacturing sector, or a right-wing and corporate-dominated political landscape with no interest in helping the poor, or that happy-go-lucky war on the underclass (otherwise known as The War On Drugs) only diminishes poor people's ability to tap into their inner American Spirit and realize they're just lazy welfare cheats.

Because if anyone is out of touch with mainstream America, it's those dumbass poor kids begging for internet access.  

Rand Paul: "Being Poor Kicks Ass!"

by: Chip

Tue Jul 13, 2010 at 13:11:24 PM EDT

Man, I wish Rand Paul had been around back in 1998 when I was just an eighth grader and my dad was still a truck driver. My dad, Chip Sr., was one of those enigmas of the working-class, a dude who loved the union but consistently voted Republican. Anyway, we were one of those hardworking families with a firm grip on our bootstraps, and we were this close to being upwardly mobile when disaster struck: My mom, who was unemployed but had been studying to be a nurse, got very sick and Chip Sr. suffered a neck injury while driving a tanker truck. Both were out of work for over a year.

Now, at the time, I was the only member of the Witley family to have a job; before my parents' ailments, I was employed part-time as a golf course landscaper out in the suburbs, a wonderful gated community in which everyone had American flag logos on their back windshields. My pittance of a paycheck along with my father's workman's compensation (which didn't pay his full rate or include the overtime he desperately worked to pay our bills) didn't come close to keeping us afloat. Mind you, I won't say we qualified as 'poor'. Surely, the housing projects a half a mile down the road kept our self-pity to a reasonable level but we were, understand, very very very broke.

I was scared, of course. We had little food and were on the verge of losing our home. Although it would have helped immensely at the time, thank God my family didn't qualify for welfare or Section 8 housing; had we received it, we'd surely be African American communists today. But I had nightmares of being homeless, to be sure. Yet if Rand Paul were around, he would have told me to calm my fragile nerves: Indeed, the poor in America don't have it so bad.

The other day at the Senate Candidate Forum, Randy The Dandy explained to listeners the fortunes of the American poor. What with all of those color TVs and cheap fast food joints, underclass Americans enjoy fruits of Western Civilization unheard of in less freedom-loving third world nations, like Russia, Somalia, and Sweden. Those poor dregs are, as we speak, munching on cockroach legs and scrawling images on cave walls by candlelight. Meanwhile, the American poor are living the good life, kicking back in their armchairs in wonderful public housing units, conveniently located near several liquor stores, Korean groceries, and dope corners filled to the brim with jubilant youngsters exercising their Second Amendment rights with gleeful enthusiasm, all while wearing the finest bootleg fashions, punctuated with pleasing-to-the-eye color-coded red and blue bandannas.

Had The Dandy been on the public stage, he would have brought the haughty lifestyle of the American poor to my attention. Paul, of course, comes from a truly freedom-loving family. Big daddy Ron Paul is much more of a freedom-lover than my father; if Chip Sr. had even a fraction of Ron's American Spirit, he too would have been a physician rather than a humble forklift operator-turned-truck driver. And the wonders of free market capitalism, with all of it's meritocracy awesomeness, have worked well for Randy The Dandy: No doubt that Randy would have become an eye surgeon-turned-senate hopeful regardless of his father's robust income. Because America is all about individual achievements and having upper-middle class parents with political connections has nothing to do with one's ability to properly yank his bootstraps.

Anyway, my family should have listened to Randy The Dandy's favorite icons. Had Ayn Rand and Ronald Regan been at my house, they would have pointed out that our woes were, in the end, our own fault. You see, good Americans save money and plan for disaster. My father should have known that driving a tractor-trailer can have negative impacts on one's spinal cord and my mother, God bless her, should have foreseen her ailment and squirreled away funds for those rainy days when, out of nowhere, she'd literally pass out from her blood pressure disorder. Personal responsibility is, you know, a very important trait in American life. We should have known better than to curse at all those seemingly unfortunate incidents. Chip Sr.'s slipped disks and my mom's life-threatening health woes could have all been avoided had they possessed just a bit more Red, White, and Blue chuztpah.

My anxiety about my family's rough patch was nothing to worry about. For if the American poor are so well off, the US working-class is practically of the country club variety. Even when the often-sensitive financial situations of blue collar folks tumble into ruin, we can rest assured that the worst outcome - descending into poverty - isn't all too bad.

Thank you, Randy The Dandy, for showing us the wonderful truth!  

Right Wing Evangelicals Oppose Comcast/NBC Merger (?)

by: Chip

Fri Jul 02, 2010 at 13:21:20 PM EDT

As much as I love democracy, it can be scary, especially in America. There is but one fragile, sometimes porous group standing between sanity and a Christian theocracy. Mind you, I'm not contending a Christian theocracy in the US would be similar to, let's say, Saudi Arabia. I doubt there'd be honor killings...or at least not that many. A Christian theocracy in America would look like the Disney Channel, only not as profane, with less Jews and more Kirk Cameron. And a mishmashy, not-nearly-coalesced  group of relatively intelligent folks fortunately stand in the way of this theocracy, mostly by fucking more often than right-wing Christians. Anyway, this morning I actually thought I'd found common ground between we, the sane and humbly intelligent citizens, and those who'd rather dangle on Jesus' hairy nipples. I was wrong.

As I perused AVN.com's articles today, I thought I found a hopeful nugget about a coalition of Christly dingleberries - headed by the Parents Television Council (PTC) and Focus on the Family (FOTF) - opposing the upcoming merger of Comcast and NBC-Universal. I said to myself, "Wow, these people are usually mindless trollops but hey, this merger of media giants is going to limit our already-shrinking freedom of choice in media. Good on them for defending freedom of choice!"

Except this coalition has very little interest in matters of choice (unless it's the choice between which "textbook" best invalidates carbon dating methods, on sale for just ten bucks at the mega-church bookstore). The coalition's primary concern? They're super pissed about Comcast making money off skin flicks. Surely, they believe this merger of television monoliths will result in an unending wave of up close anal penetration scenes flooding the airwaves and thus transforming their wholesome white babies into homosexual drug addicts.

Well you shouldn't be surprised. PTC and FOTF are notoriously anti-porn. (In fact, both groups are anti-everything that isn't wholesomely Christian...in a right wing sort of way. Just how Jesus said it should be, or some shit.) As there is no empirical evidence that pornography harms consenting adults who view it, these knuckleheads - and indeed, most right wing anti-porn activists - instead attack the adult industry with stupid, arbitrary buzzwords like "obscenity" and "indecency". Of course, there's no way objectively judge what's 'obscene' and what isn't. For instance, I don't believe sex is obscene at all. Yet PTC and FOTF do, and they try as hard as they can to censor it...and usually succeed because our nation has a bunch of retardedly arbitrary obscenity laws.

Porn isn't their only target, obviously. They oppose any kind of supposedly naughty stuff in the media.  Even children's cartoon characters are targeted for, ya know, telling people to be nice to each other. For example, FOTF founder James Dobson bitched to the FCC when SpongeBob SquarePants sang a song about being open minded and tolerant, because that was obviously meant to turn children into homosexuals.

Once again, these boogers of Christ show themselves as apathetic towards democracy and freedom of choice. Oh yeah, they run to the polls to oppress fags and, closeted racists that they are, oppose any sort of multiculturalism. But when the issue of the day is yet another corporate merger which, by it's very nature, takes a big capitalistic dump on the average American's freedom of choice, the right wing faithful could care less...unless Comcast shows a few titties now and then.

I guess they don't care about a handful of wealthy cunts controlling information. As long as it's titty-free and shows re-runs of the 700 Club, anyway.  

Oh, Fat Americans

by: Chip

Tue Jun 29, 2010 at 13:30:30 PM EDT

Note: At Liberating Porn, we think using euphemisms and fluffy PC language to sugarcoat problems is a crime. So yes, we use some mean words towards otherwise decent people (in this case, fat people), but we value honesty. For instance, we think honestly telling an overweight friend that they're unhealthy is beneficial to the friend in question. Much healthier than, say, telling the overweight friend a lie about how having ten chins is just a life choice and it's perfectly fine.

In other words: We sound mean because we care. (Also: Using bad words is fun.)

----------------------------------------------

Heart disease, heart attacks, high blood pressure, strokes; these catastrophic failures of the human body prove that, despite any number of self-esteem speeches and politically correct nancy-pants terminology attacking "sizeism", humans are not meant to be fat. To be more specific, the systems of our body can't handle obesity. Thus, fat motherfuckers die early.

By 'fat', of course, I'm referring to obesity (in contrast to a post last week in which I used 'fat' to refer to those of us labeled obese by an antiquated body mass index standard). And as much as our government and elite may harp about the harmful effects of obesity, rest assured, our leaders both seen and unseen desire nothing more than a populace of overweight slugs lacking both common sense and a capacity for critical thought. Yes, the folks who own all this shit (your job, the land you live on, and, yes, the vast and complex machinery facilitating your Constitutionally-protected right to fill your lungs with Big Macs) really really really prefer a nation of multiple-chinned idiots with scarcely any idea of how they're being fucked in the ass.

But I digress somewhat. Anyway, I don't feel bad for fat people. Yes, I pity the children, the unfortunate progeny of fat parents doomed to a life of shoveling slop down their little gullets, destined to be as gluttonous and brain dead as their parents. But for grown folks making a conscious decision to slurp milk shakes and perform cunnilingus on a taco whilst plopping their monolithic asses on the couch all day long, well...fuck ya'll, and fuck your heart attacks.

Today on CNN.com, a post details the unfortunate (but wholly unsurprising) phenomenon of fat people down South, specifically Mississippi, Alabama, and West Virginia, wherein over 30% of citizens are fat. Naturally, there are problems factoring into this state of jiggly man-boobishness, like poverty, because in America even the poorest among us, those who cannot find even semi-dependable jobs, can become fat as a motherfucker if they just work hard enough. Despite the curiously American problem of poor citizens having no access to affordable foodstuffs not served in Happy Meal-form, at some point we have to look at these unhealthy folks, both poor and non-poor, and say: "Yo jackass, do a fucking jumping jack or something."

We sane and humble citizens should have no sympathy for our overweight neighbors, mostly because coddling these writhing sacks of goo may mistakenly serve as justification for their fattiness; such coddling does, obviously, start society on the slippery slope ending with fat acceptance seminars, which I like to call, "You're Unhealthy as Fuck And You're Gonna Die...But Be Proud Of Your Tits!" seminars. Instead, we should urge our overweight neighbors to at least try to be healthy, yes, even if they're subsisting on a constant McDiet. Even a dude who can find no other healthy alternative to a cheeseburger can eat his dinner with moderation. One cheeseburger never killed anyone. But a daily intake of two of those greasy fuckers, along with fries and a milkshake, will depart upon the gluttonous many chins of varying hugeness. No one, from poor fatties in trailer parks and project housing to the flapping arm-fat dangliness of breasticaled office workers, should be so devoid of personal responsibility as to not understand the consequences of gorging on any type of food, McDonald's or otherwise.

Also, no matter how poor or stupid a citizen may be, you don't need a gym membership to walk a mile or start jogging. This isn't a question of prejudice against fatties, or even sexual attractiveness. But our tender cuddling of the American Fatty is harmful to our population as a whole.

Finally, there's a correlation between idiocy and fat fuckery. This connection is both on-the-surface practical and abstract. For instance, isn't it odd that poor folks in America find it so easy to become (and remain) fat? Most poor people in the world face starvation. Well, I consider the American poor-and-fat anomaly to a be a wildly beneficial eventuality of our system (beneficial to our owners, anyway). You see, poor Americans will never rise up in unison to overthrow our corporate owners. No, we say dismissively, only the uncivilized dregs of the third world do shit like that. And it's true; poor Americans will never revolt because they're not starving. If by some chance our poor experience a massive food shortage, they'll certainly survive until relief arrives, since most of them weigh over 250 pounds.

MoveOn Digs Petraeus, Also: Fuzzy Liberal Bitches

by: Chip

Fri Jun 25, 2010 at 11:58:57 AM EDT

Man oh man, you have to love the 'liberals' at MoveOn.org. If you, like me, envision a bunch of self-satisfied Prius drivers with hemp messenger bags when you think of MoveOn, well, you can probably agree that these people are a bunch of weak-kneed jerks hanging off the Democratic donkey dong.

After bashing General David Petraeus for juking the casualty rate stats in Iraq in the 2007 Petraeus Report, MoveOn finally removed an anti-Petraeus ad on their website...after Obama fired the general who totally talked shit in Rolling Stone and promoted Petraeus to run all that unfortunate business in Iraq. As usual, those warm, fuzzy 'liberals' who pretend to be some unabashed force for progressivism and change swing happily in the direction of the Dem's collective nutsack whilst dangling from the hairs of Obama's crotch-fro. The charges of falsehood against Petraeus thus magically vanish not just on MoveOn's site, but in the minds of so many pedestrian 'liberals' across the country.

Now, don't get us wrong: We're not in the business of bashing folks who've made an informed decision to change their minds. The ability to change one's mind is a good thing. Fuck all the "flip-flop" shit. Flip-flops are shoes, bitches, not the practice of thinking critically about one's course of action and determining that maybe you should have gone the other way.

But there's a world of difference concerning MoveOn and fellow suddenly-Petraeus-ain't-so-bad 'liberals', who've suddenly forgotten how super duperly pissed they were about Iraq. True, Obama and Co. are scaling back our forces but there are still 50,000 US troops in Iraq and the White House has made no mention of bringing those poor bastards home. Where's all that liberaly rage? As a matter of fact, MoveOn folks are generally pretty enthusiastic about cheesy television ads decrying the war. Has      Little Alex's mother had a change of heart because now her favorite black guy's running the war?

Once again, the fashionable 'liberals' - generally more concerned about their image, self satisfaction, and ameliorating their own creeping sense of white guilt - have abandoned their professed principles in favor of settling for Their Guy. Where are those enthusiastic war critics who did little between 2003-2008 but burn Bush in effigy? How about those fruitcakes who sang about the public option at the AHIP conference last fall? Actually, outside of the usual protesters (teenage anarchists taking a defiant stance against corporate guitars and PETA members confronting the barons of the fly swatter industry) mainstream 'liberals' have scarcely criticized the still right-of-center policies of the White House.

Sure, we know the Democrats are usually the (slightly) lesser evil (most of the time, sort of) when compared to the ever-batshit insane Republican/Tea Bag rank-and-file, not to mention their (even more) blatantly full-of-shit leadership. But while the Democrats are currently in power, the so-called progressives reveal themselves as nothing more than limp dick leftists, barely concerned with actually sticking to progressive principles as long as Their Guy won. It doesn't matter to them that BP dumped more cash into Obama's campaign war chest than any other candidate, or the bitchly manner in which Democrats punked out on the public option. Just as these half-assed fashionably 'liberal' douchebags still cherish the memories of the brainfartingly non-liberal policies of Clinton (selling out unions, Welfare-To-Work, etc.), they'll defend Obama simply because he's Their Guy, no matter what progressive ideals they supposedly believe. Or, at least, what their bumper stickers tell us they believe.

They really dig bumper stickers.  

"Hey, That Fertilized Egg is People!"

by: Chip

Tue Jun 15, 2010 at 13:27:57 PM EDT

Abortion sucks. It would be cool if people had less of them. In fact, the only abortions that would have made us happy are the ones a doctor should have performed on the mothers of all these stupid fucks at Personhood Colorado. No, Personhood Colorado is not a campus activist group of feminist linguistics majors. Instead it's a collection of religious doofuses and GOP supporters who totally want to tell Coloradoans (or is it Coloradites?) when a sperm-covered egg made mostly of goo should be considered a human being. Or, simply, when the goo in question achieves "personhood".

Colorado voters will decide this issue when they vote on Amendment 62, which is just like a similar bill proposed in 2008 (although it was shot down). Amendment 62 says: "The term 'person' shall apply to every human being from the beginning of the biological development of that human being." Basically, Personhood Colorado wants the state to recognize fertilized eggs as people. The bill will essentially ban abortion (even in cases of incest, rape, and pregnancies threatening the mother's health), along with non-barrier birth control (just condoms, no pills).

Amendment 62 is choked with enough government intrusion to make even the most pedestrian civil libertarian's head explode. But conservatives are well known for their super duper anti-government stance on the intrusive evils of communism, like food stamps for poor people, while practically begging for the nose of big government to knock down a citizen's bedroom door if he or she fucks in any position not considered appropriate by the bible. Yet we're not concerned with the minor caveats of Amendment 62 as much as we're bashing our heads against the wall at the prospect of a bunch of religious twits entering the realm of biology.

No one of sound mind and conscience could possibly look at a bunch of 'tards who believe the theory of evolution is the product of atheist liberals cavorting in an attempt to get young Christian children to believe they're nothing but homosexual monkeys and say: "Yes, these people are qualified to answer tricky philosophical and scientific questions concerning human life." They are not. Nobody who looks forward to the Rapture or snacks on Jesus Crackers or (most importantly) lacks a motherfucking degree in biology should be tackling questions they are in no way qualified to answer.

Then again, this is America. And let's not forget Utah sits right next to Colorado, no doubt allowing their Mormon-loving retardedness to bleed over Colorado state lines. Most of our elected leaders either don't believe in evolution or are too chickenshit to admit they do, so on the subject of human life, it's very possible they'll start calling every puddle of goo 'human'. American citizens do their civic duty as patriots by ensuring our nation remains woefully unintelligent and uninformed on such fundamental questions about our existence as a species, mostly because they're afraid they'll go to hell if they give the wrong answer.

Oh, Colorado, we hope you dismiss Amendment 62 as the braindead religious slop it is. If not, you just might start a national precedent so backward and full of shit that, within a few years of America's decision to consider chemical Slurpees as human beings, it will likely be illegal to playfully kick a man in the nuts, as not to damage the snot-like American citizens residing in the man's testicles.  

Fox Contributor Identifies the REAL Ruling Class!!

by: Chip

Wed Jun 09, 2010 at 13:57:47 PM EDT

Okay, I'll be the first to admit that a tucked-away opinion article/blog in the belly of FoxNews.com isn't going to send shockwaves through our nation's political consciousness (if you could even call it that, collectively retarded as Americans are). Yet we're rarely privy to the true emotional outrage or, indeed, the more graphic manipulations of language at The Top, for lack of a better term. The Top of any institution, whether it's the military, the government, or your local police department, is generally populated by folks smart enough not to say the wrong thing or, more accurately, what's really on their mind.

The Top of the conservative media is sufficiently intelligent to understand they are, in fact, some of the greatest movers-and-shakers of our nation's retardedly fragile political landscape. They know who they are, they know who they represent: the groin-grabbingly wealthy motherfuckers who are truly our ruling class. We sane and humble citizens with a capacity for critical thought have reconciled ourselves with this reality. Others, not so much. FoxNews.com contributor Andrea Tantaros, for instance, just    posted an article explaining how the Marxo-Kenyanists in the White House and their union buddies are totally the real ruling class, thus cementing Tantaros' position as a foot soldier blabbermouth harping to her own ideological choir which is, I loathe to admit, a choir full of thunderously backward people.

Tantaros asserts that the Tea Party victories of Nikki "We Just Said We'd Bang Her Three Articles Ago" Haley and Sharon Angle show the voting public as an angry one, vehemently rejecting a "ruling class" working toward a "vast expansion" of government power. And oh, that government power is "bankrupting" America.

Except Tantaros and the Tea Party leadership who spew this same garbage sentiment are willfully ignoring the reality of our nation's economic landscape. Angry working and middle class Tea Baggers are being particularly manipulated into thinking that corporate dominance and free-market-as-a-domestic-policy are actually symptoms of liberty-fueled Americanized awesomeness. It wasn't corporate greed and our government's lack of loyalty toward its own lower classes who stole the Tea Bagger's factory job, it was those damn jigs and Mexicans. Systemic corruption born out of a sick orgy between the wealthy elite and their elected puppets hasn't driven down our wages, it was that Hispanic welfare queen begging for food stamps. Tantaros, in one short article buried in the opinion section of FoxNews.com, effectively summarized the psychosis - and code word racism - of all those stupid motherfuckers with Lipton bags hanging from their Revolutionary War costumes.

Of course, much of the blame stops right at the voters' feet. Quasi-libertarians half-assedly subscribing to an economic ideology they scarcely understand accept a revisionist view of American history in which: 1. There was actually a magical time when the Austrian school's approach provided ample employment for the working masses, thus ensuring they wouldn't live hand-to-mouth (like that awesome period of time Upton Sinclair wrote about in his upbeat novel, The Jungle), 2. Working-class Americans never had a standard of living lower than their Western European equivalents, 3. Our Recession, much like the Great Depression, was facilitated by the combined efforts of ACORN, homosexual blacks, and union shop stewards.

And the most maddening trait of these people? They actually believe the welfare state is the tool of the ruling class. The wealthy bastards at The Top of the conservative media and corporate America are smart enough to leave the most mind-bendingly idiotic rhetoric to the foot soldiers. We at least have to give Rupert Murdoch and Co. credit for not being so shameless as to point their million dollar forefingers at the most vulnerable of American citizens, and those who (sometimes) represent their best interests, while screaming "Oppressor!"  

FoxNews.com, "Biden: Agent of Belgian Supremacy"

by: Chip

Wed May 26, 2010 at 13:08:00 PM EDT

Americans should show gratitude to FoxNews.com for blowing the lid off the story of the year: Joe Biden is, and probably has been all along, a sleeper agent for Belgium. Biden showed his true colors when, while addressing the European Parliament in Belgium, he referred to Brussels as the capital of the free world. Surely, this instance of anti-American hatred from this administration was matched only by Obama's decision to bow to the emperor of Japan, thus changing the outcome of World War II and subjugating our nation's citizens to the iron fist (which is presumably clutching a bunch of tentacle porn) of Imperial Japanese rule.

FoxNews.com adroitly presented the facts. Brussels is the de facto capital of the European Union and home to NATO headquarters. As such, Belgium is the (dark, black, socialistic) heart of the burgeoning European terror that Obama and Biden are allowing to wash over America in a tidal wave of communist healthcare and atheistic homo-loving that will surely leave billions of American babies dead in its wake.

Certainly, real Americans have suspected Biden, and by extension Obama, of being agents of Islamo-fascist-slash-Euro-Stalinism ever since The Kenyan helped Bill Ayers and The Weathermen murder all types of Christians. But Biden's wild assertion that a Third World country like Belgium could possibly house the capital of the free world is a slap in the face to the proud Americans in Washington, DC who defend democracy and peace through the Patriot Act and sending undesirables to Jordan to get their fingernails pulled out.

Real Americans must rise up and combat this Euro-Murderism before Belgian soldiers storm our shores. Aided by the brown-shirted forces of the European Union, all led by the karate-kickingly evil warlord Jean-Claude Van Damme, the Belgian-Biden-Obama reign of terror will stand as the greatest threat to American sovereignty since Jacques Chirac aided the Taliban during the 9/11 attacks.

And of course, the loony left will applaud Biden's Brussels statement. They'll say that it shows a more internationalist side of America, one that doesn't take a narrow-minded view of world affairs in which America kicks major ass and fucks evil with the Great Freedom Dick while Europe sips wine, surrenders to Iran, and produces terrible remakes of the American sitcom The Office. Then again, as FoxNews.com told me, those loony lefties will never understand that American Exceptionalism necessitates a world view that holds the USA on a pedestal, forever unwavering, a beacon of civilization and free market Christianity shining in the stupid commie face of everyone not draped in Old Glory or jamming out to Toby Keith amid Mexican-punching libertarians.  

Rand Paul: Bucking the Establishment (?)

by: Chip

Wed May 19, 2010 at 14:19:55 PM EDT

"I...couldn't beat the establishment were it not for the momentum of (the Tea Party) movement." -- Rand Paul aka Randy "The Dandy"

Rand Paul, son of Ron, understands that our establishment is of a twisted and oppressive nature. Now, with his Senate nomination in Kentucky riding on the backs of a billion wrinkly Tea Party patriots, Rand is marching forward to kick that establishment in its big establishmenty balls. We should all thank this budding small "L" libertarian and capital "R" Republican for his big brass testicles, a trait desperately needed for any humble man who pledges to take on our monolithic system.

Paul, of course, will rattle that system which is now a poisonous vat of political corruption in a government dominated by corporate interests to the point where even self-avowed communists like Barack Obama sell out to the health insurance industry. Surely, We the People are in need of men like Paul, for we shall never defeat the corporate oligarchy inherent to our system's establishment without brave souls such as himself.

And just how will Rand Paul try to defeat the establishment, that firmly entrenched miasma of wealthy elites who relentlessly attempt to drive down wages, lower their own taxes, and take an even larger chunk of the American Pie, of which they already own the vast majority? Easy. Rand will help fight higher taxes on the wealthy. Obviously, the establishment will hate that. Because the establishment is comprised of communists.

Or, um...wait a minute.

Okay. I just checked the Drudge Report and I'm pretty sure the wealthy elites in our establishment are ACORN field personnel. Whatever, it doesn't matter because Rand Paul is fixin' to kick their fucking asses. The Tea Party patriots are, clearly, dedicated believers to the principles of vaguely libertarian talking points, such as "Economic Freedom" and "Socialism Sucks". Sure, the bastards who make up our establishment might say many of the Tea Party talking points are shouted without context and, thus, have no real meaning. But, much like the wacky establishment of ACORN communists masquerading as corporate powerhouses (or some shit), that doesn't really matter. All that counts is that we have that freedom from socialism and super duper economic liberty, even if hardly anybody at the Rand Paul rallies understand what the hell those ideas mean.

Well, Randy "The Dandy" Paul has only secured a nomination. We have to wait a few months before he can actually go head-to-head with our establishment, so hopefully by then, it'll be clear to us what that establishment actually is. For instance, I was sure that our establishment was largely comprised of wealthy men who duck regulations and gut the working-class, but from what "The Dandy" has been implying, I'm starting to think our evil system is controlled by welfare queens (and possibly pro-choice activists).

Oh, and Kenyans. Definitely a lot of Kenyans up in this bitch.

Even if Kagan is Gay...

by: Chip

Fri May 14, 2010 at 13:19:06 PM EDT

All this Supreme Court junk is really confusing. For instance, I have no idea what Elena Kagan does, what she stands for, or anything really, except that she has that stereotypical lesbian haircut. Normally I don't like being uninformed on such important stuff but, alas, writing for Lib Porn every day forces me to direct most of my energies toward petty insults and cock references, not the accolades of some broad who Obama digs. And given that she, like, totally ran Harvard makes me assume that she's way smarter than everybody and fuck man, I don't even know what a Solicitor General is.

So I was surprised when I (drunkenly, as usual) read up on Kagan and discovered that no one else in America knows what a Solicitor General is either. And apparently the only aspect of Kagan's career that everybody cares about is the very same aspect that I noticed: The woman really does have at terrible haircut. One of them homersexual haircuts.

And everybody is super concerned. I mean damn, how can we so casually watch as a woman of clear intellectual merit gets appointed to one of the most important positions in America - right next to the dudes who run Facebook and Snooki's agent - when, to our horror, she could very well be a carpet muncher?

Well, we do this very easily. The American public half full of retards. These people are so backward, prudish, and sexually introverted that the very idea of a woman eating out another female sends them shivering back to the mega-church (where they'll hear a variety of sermons on the subject of how Jesus, as he rode on his dinosaur, let his flock know that he would totally not dig a  box eater on the Supreme Court).

Yet the vast majority of American citizens will, at some point, perform oral sex on someone. It's really not that important. One gobbles a shaft or rubs their nose along a clitoris then, after twenty minutes or so, retreats in a hail storm of sexual inadequacy when they realize their partner is no closer to orgasm than a Jew is to ascending to Jesusland during the Rapture.

I believe that Kagan's possible homosexuality terrifies Middle American men because they're so relentlessly awful at eating pussy. Kagan, as a lesbian, would most likely possess carpet licking skills that surpass those of most men. Middle American women are similarly horrified because they've been tolerating their husbands' sub par box munching for years; realizing that a gay woman would be a more successful head-giver doubtlessly leaves these Middle American women in an odd state of bi-curiosity that clashes with that old conservative family value that says sex must be a piddling and boring affair, punctuated by four minutes of missionary sex underneath the 3D portrait of Christ hanging over the bed.

Despite America's distrust of homosexuals, I for one think that having a lesbian with a talent for eating pussy would be a blessing for our government. Successfully bringing a woman to orgasm through oral sex is no easy task; anyone who's accomplished this realizes that giving proper head takes skill, focus, and dedication. Surely, if Kagan is indeed a lesbian, these are traits that serve the Supreme Court well and thus bring a woman's touch to the pussy lips of the American justice system.  

BP (or a sympathizer) Changes Wiki Info

by: Chip

Thu May 06, 2010 at 09:21:50 AM EDT

We researched remote shut-off valves on this Wikipedia page (under the "Deepwater Horizon Oil Rig Explosion" section), which included (properly cited) info on Big Oil's successful attempt to convince US regulators that the remote shut-offs weren't cost effective. (Unfortunately, in our infinite Lib Pornish wisdom, we failed to bookmark the citations.) We read this at approximately 2 AM on May 5. By approximately 2 PM on that same day, that particular nugget of info had been changed and, oddly, now says nothing about the lobbying efforts of Big Oil on US regulators. Also, the entry essentially states that shut off-valves don't work and that particular line is justified with a citation from a Wall Street Journal article...although (big surprise), that info from the WSJ is taken wildly out of context, as later in the article the writer gives us this: "While U.S. regulators have called the acoustic switches unreliable and prone, in the past, to cause unnecessary shut-downs, Inger Anda, a spokeswoman for Norway's Petroleum Safety Authority, said the switches have a good track record in the North Sea. "It's been seen as the most successful and effective option," she said." (Wall Street Journal, April 28 2010)

All we have to say is...well played, you soulless Big Oil pricks! We hope you have fun fingering Jerry Falwell's asshole in hell!

Untalented Terrorist Deserves Miranda Rights

by: Chip

Wed May 05, 2010 at 18:28:05 PM EDT

Somewhere in America, there's a loser clutching some book full of religious babble to his chest, whispering softly to himself about how he's totally gonna bomb himself a heathen. While this is usually the case in Kansas, there are doubtlessly more losers running around, all of whom are in desperate need of a wacky lay in a semi-secluded public area or, at least, a couple of beers and a lap dance. From time to time, these losers get together and plan to blow shit up and, because they're losers, they resort to cruddy car bombs that don't even go off when they're supposed to.

That's what happened in New York the other day when Faisal Shahzad's dud of a bomb failed to   topple our little ol' evil empire (and any Zionists that happened to be walking past, "Shucks," say radical Islamic losers worldwide). Personally, we don't think it should be terribly difficult to convict Shahzad, a US citizen, of trying to explode his stupid bomb. This was rookie terrorism, hardly on par with the sweaty, bug-eyed, melodramatic terrorism we saw on 9/11 or in Israel and had more in common with sex-starved fundie Christians chucking flaming purity rings at abortion clinics.

However, lots of Americans are justifiably clamoring for Shahzad's head but in the process we're seeing a renewed debate about that plucky right we so often forget about (usually because we were too drunk to remember it last time a police officer read it to us): Our right to a Miranda warning.

The Miranda warning and our ensuing Miranda rights are an addition to the Fifth Amendment, which might not be as sexy as the First, but still pretty damn important when you're accused of a crime so you don't do something stupid like incriminate yourself, especially if you're wrongly accused. Well certain Americans, namely the GOP and that repugnant slimeball Joe Lieberman, are bitching that Shahzad shouldn't have received his Miranda warning. We can certainly understand why; dude was trying to blow up Times Square and it's imperative that we find out if this Osama-loving wackjob was working with others of similar wackjobbish persuasions.

But suspending the Miranda rights of suspected terrorists who happen to be US citizens - remember, Shahzad is still a suspect since he hasn't been found guilty in court - is a wholly un-American thing to do. Although our track record sometimes doesn't live up to our lofty ideals, Americans tend to believe in courts and all that junk, so unlike Shahzad and other like-minded radicals. For all of the injustices and vicious attacks we've inflicted upon each other, one of the main differences between our society and the ideal society of Islamic radicals is that those assholes skip all the boring due process and respecting-the-rights-of-the-accused stuff and just cut your fucking head off.

Of course, critics of Miranda rights in regards to nutjobs with bombs point out that these guys are - here it comes, that most ridiculous phrase - "trying to kill Americans." Well no shit. But assholes kill Americans every day. Right now, gangbangers are plotting to kill someone. Another group of right-wing militia moonshine drinkers are oiling up their assault rifles. A greasy mafioso is cavorting with similarly greasy guys in track suits to sell illegal firearms. All of those aforementioned bastards are going to end up killing Americans in some way. Should we suspend their Miranda rights as well?  

By now, we're all certain that the terrorists don't hate us for our freedom, although a few might be jealous because, c'mon, for all of our faults, Americans do have a lot of microwaves and porn. But America is supposed to stand for more than just our proficiency at cooking frozen slop with high-frequency electric fields and our glorious selection of Gina Lynn flicks. We must, even in the face of unexploding car bombs, believe in our in highest ideals, which absolutely includes respecting the rights of the accused.  

NFL Says: "Stay Stupid, Negro"

by: Chip

Thu Apr 29, 2010 at 12:14:50 PM EDT

We Americans are a bunch of dreamers. As a nation, we're especially fond of those who rise up from meager backgrounds and toss big cowboyish lassos around stars and thus yank them down to earth, at which point we quote Horatio Alger, punch a communist, and salute Old Glory, content with the inexorable certainty of the American Dream. With this knowledge, we dismiss evidence of shrinking wages and increasingly expensive standards of living because hey, social stratification be damned, we just got ourselves a new Ipod.

Of course, there are no greater dreamers than poor people. From black kids in the ghetto to a small town white kid who just saw his father's factory get airlifted to Taiwan, poor people have this wacky idea that they're somehow going to make it big. And no, not by saving money or learning a skill, but by being a singer, a rapper, or (oh geez) a motherfuckin' NFL superstar. You can't blame poor people; a person with a hopeless situation in a materialistic and image-based country that constantly espouses the "Dream" has a good chance of fooling himself into thinking he'll one day achieve that which is utterly, and often hilariously, implausible.

America is NFL country, obviously. No sport in this nation comes close to football in influencing our kids. And damn, the NFL is one horrendous influence of anti-intellectual idiocy in a nation that already scorns anyone with even a slight penchant for thinking critically. The debacle that was the NFL draft proved this when league scouts, coaches, and general managers questioned the dedication of Myron Rolle who clearly isn't NFL material because he totally decided to get a top-notch education before entering a career in which very large men will bash his skull in.

Rolle, a safety who was drafted in the sixth round after a three successful years with the Florida State Seminoles, was criticized because he skipped his last college football season to study medical anthropology at Oxford University. (Yes, that Oxford. The one in England.) Since Rolle took a year off to work on a goal that didn't include wearing a goofy helmet, his playing career will most likely be pockmarked with questions about his work ethic and commitment. To be clear: Rolle is being criticized because he studied at Oxford fucking University.

This is odd, since NFL commissioner and all around douchebag Roger Goodell is so vehement about controlling off-field player behavior to give the league a cleaner image. Then again, "image" is much different than substance, and that's why NFL owners and league officials don't care that young men with a talent for the game are ushered through high school and college, many of whom have no business whatsoever graduating, simply because that talent makes so much money (not just for the player, but for high school and college teams, not to mention big league franchises).

There's also a racial element to this madness, as the majority-black NFL players are easily some of the most recognizable African Americans in the public spotlight. America was never a big fan of intelligent black men and the NFL, with so many slobbering morons on its rosters, provides a fantasy career wherein men who can barely read anything not stitched onto the back of their jerseys make millions of dollars. If the NFL truly cared about the impact its players have on young men, especially young black men, the league would have applauded Myron Rolle for valuing education and intelligence more than getting paid a ridiculous salary for smashing into illiterate mongrels as soon as possible. Because realistically, Rolle is obviously dedicated to playing football or else he wouldn't have been drafted. Questioning his dedication because he chose to study at an elite university is perhaps the most blatant example of how the NFL, and our country as a whole, treat intelligence with suspicion.

Because ya know, smart people are elitists, or something.

Stop Being Nice To Working-Class Conservatives

by: Chip

Mon Apr 19, 2010 at 13:20:33 PM EDT

Alas, the aloof, everyday Americans became aware that their country and the wealthy elites who run it were not-so-gently raping their taught anuses back in September 2008. Even the super duperly dedicated Republican rank-and-file, who are largely working-class, realized that the rich cocksuckers have our government in their pocket as bailouts were tossed their way in order to pay for the bonuses of said cocksuckers, an action that made Obama so super pissed that he totally told them they were douches. But they still kept the money. Of course they kept the money.

Except the aloof, everyday Americans aren't aware that their country is fucking them in the ass.

And let's be clear, we firmly believe that the Democrats, and that includes Obama, are simply a lesser evil. From time to time the Dems actually give broke ass Americans a hand. Republicans hate this. Not because they wanted to give regular Americans a hand quicker than the Democrats could, but because Republicans are really really really good at fooling the drooling troglodytes that make up the their voting base. There is nothing more ridiculous, or shall we say more retardeder, than collection of out-of-work blue collar guys believing that the party of big business is actually looking out for them. It just isn't so.

I, for one, think it's about time we stopped being nice to the Tea Baggers, the rank-and-file blue collar conservatives, and the piss poor backwater hillbilly Republicans who so vociferously rail against progressivism (or what passes for progressivism these days) and call them what they are. No, they're not crazy. They're just stoopid. Yes, stoopid. They're intellectually lazy morons too retarded to realize that they're supporting a system that has absolutely no interest in them save for election season, and even then, the wealthy elites who really run the country would probably get their way anyhow, but damn it, we're talking about principles here. The single greatest achievement of these so-called free marketeers came in November 2008 when they trashed this country so badly that, for an all too brief moment, they indirectly made the traditionally backward (pleasant euphemism for "racist") American public elect a liberal black guy.

Now the rank-and-file are pissing their dungarees. (Dumb-as-fuck white conservatives are unable to call their pants "jeans". Only east coast homosexual liberal 'elites' say "jeans".) They're so mortified of seeing their country change, however superficially, that they've flocked back to the freshly shaved man-nipples of the Republican Party and the wealthy elitists who so obviously don't give a shit about their interests.

The mental disorders these idiots suffer from were never as blatantly obvious until just recently. Now that Republicans are threatening to filibuster legislation that would totally spank the Wall Street criminals who threw regular Americans to the sharks, the Tea Baggers and blue collar Republicans would, if they were even slightly self aware or, holy christ, capable of a little thing we like to call critical motherfuckin' thinking, understand that the conservative establishment isn't in any way, shape, or form concerned with their interests.

But that won't happen. Sure, a fraction of the rank-and-file might understand this situation for what it truly is (the puppets of the wealthy acting in the interests of the wealthy), but these "anti-soshilists" and John Gault worshipers will continue to be so tremblingly fearful of progressivism - and the scary black dude who's actually being somewhat of a progressive - that they cling to the money-soaked nutsack of a monolithic system that values corporate profit over the well being of the public. This is akin to blacks voting for segregation laws, Jews who deny the holocaust, Irishmen who support alcohol prohibition. Especially Irishmen who support alcohol prohibition. (Bastards.)

So let's stop being nice. No, we shouldn't call them crazy. Crazy has nothing to do with it. But these jackasses who are either unable or unwilling to get over their petty racist fears and support the rare dude in office who's actually trying to help them for once are absolutely devoid of common sense, the capacity for critical thought, and wipe their asses with the little bit of democracy this country has left.
 

The People's Republic of Polk County, Florida

by: Chip

Tue Apr 06, 2010 at 12:23:50 PM EDT

Damn, Florida could have been so cool. There's a lot of attractive people, nice weather, great Cuban music (we're pretty sure every song is about how awesome Batista was). But then you run into the prim and proper Christians who not only helped G.W. Bush get elected but also flirted with including creationism in science classes. Okay, we get that Christians are annoying, but the fun-hating bastards in Polk County take their disdain of all things awesome mindset a bit to far when they decided to arrest people for shit that isn't illegal.

Lakeland, a city in Polk County, was the scene of utter head-scratchiness this week when a bunch of dudes were arrested for selling porn, AVN reports. Citizens cheered as Polk County Sheriff Grady Judd announced, "The deal that I want to tell the smut peddlers, is take your stuff and get out. If you don't, we're gonna put you in jail. How do you like that?"

Obscenity laws are, for the most part, horrendously stupid. Of course, "stupid" in this context is just a euphemism for "absolutely anti-American and anti-First Amendment, not to mention an equivalent of a Puritanical reach around to the evangelical community that have a totalitarian view of what citizens can and can't watch according to their own dunderheaded belief system." And did we say that owning smut, even with absurd obscenity laws across the country, isn't illegal until a jury in a goddamn court of law finds the material obscene?  That's a federal law, bitches.

We're not talking about child porn or any other material in which the filmmakers deliberately harmed or abused someone in order to make a profit. This (unconstitutional) mess in Polk County is all about regular, namby pamby porn. And given the backward nature of so many Floridians, the "obscene" material in question was probably smut from the 1980s, indubitably filled with barely-visible genitals blanketed with overgrown 1983-style pubes that no modern man or woman would find arousing even if the internet suddenly shut down and we were left with no other smut except that which got Sheriff Grady Judd so upset and, let's say, vaguely porn-inspired cave drawings.

So in order to totally not break a federal law by locking up smut peddlers, Sheriff Judd and the rest of the back-assward cretins in Polk County have to show an impartial jury the material in question. Except that this probably won't happen because we're talking about Polk County, Florida, the very same county - plus the very same doofus Sheriff Judd - that arrested the owner of a website that curiously placed porn alongside photos of dead Iraqis in 2005. Odd and, we have to admit, pics of dead people are a little disrespectful, but fuck man, this is the internet; tits and gory images of dead guys abound. Sheriff Judd, I'll tell you this: Gimme five minutes and I'll email you some shit that'll make you want to arrest the whole internet. And you'd probably try to do it, you wacky fucker.

However, the main issue is that certain Americans really don't believe in free speech. Oh they'll claim to dig free speech, maybe even mention the Constitution and all that good shit. But people like Sheriff Judd only believe in the First Amendment until it ruffles their feathers. Of course, that's what free speech is all about, that wonderful nugget of American culture that give us the Constitutionally protected right to make as many fart jokes as we want, among other things, that totally piss off assholes like Sheriff Judd.

By the way: As far as anyone outside of that maniacal enclave of dingbats can tell, the local media in Polk County has yet to comment on the fact that the arrests of the smut peddlers in Lakeland are against the fucking law until a jury deems the porn in question obscene.

Flag Desecration, Flag Pins, Palin's Stupid Jacket

by: Chip

Sun Mar 28, 2010 at 17:12:36 PM EDT

Every few years a bunch of assholes get riled up about the proposed Flag Desecration Amendment. Of course, such an amendment would protect the American flag, which to many is a beautiful symbol of our right to free speech, from hippies with too much freedom who wish to burn the flag, thus giving free speech a big kick in the nuts. Should any anti-American hippie dippy nutballs speak out against this proposed amendment, a billion patriotic cowboys would rise up to totally kick their asses.

It's all very gay. The more hillbilly-ish half of our country is so super duperly pro-American that they find no faults in our country. Bombing the third world, marginalizing (and dehumanizing) our nation's poor, institutionalized racism? Hey man, that's just how America rolls. By extension, hillbillies and their elected leaders should, we assume, also find no fault with free speech. It's a pillar of our republic, right? But no, free speech scares the living fuck out of a good chunk - maybe even most - of our citizens, all because of their wacky patriotic sensibilities. So they blindly support a Flag Desecration Amendment that, while protecting our super awesome flag, also totally guts Old Glory of it's meaning. Sure, an argument for the amendment says: "People died for that flag!" To which we say: "People also died for free speech."

The Flag Desecration Amendment cheerleaders often hate when dirty, dirty hippies wear the flag as clothing. Abbie Hoffman did it and, according to the patriots I've spoken to, Hoffman is currently burning in hell for the mortal sin of being a dirty Jewish hippie. Yet turn on Fox News or CNN, dear reader, and you'll see constant flag desecration. Mainly from every sickening douchebag politician who wears a flag pin on their lapel.

Of course, patriots see the whole flag pin thing differently. Not wearing one of those pins automatically means you're a socialist who was born in a filthy, and presumably Islamofascist, country. In other words, you're Barack Obama...at least until he bitched out and wore one too.

Sarah Palin recently took the flag pin to a new level. While wearing a motorcycle jacket that will surely nudge elderly Tea Bagger penises to life for the first time in decades, Miss Bumblecunt decided that a normal flag pin just wouldn't do. She wore a monstrosity that was larger than the average pin and, we think, made out of rhinestones, petroleum, and the souls of countless dead Iraqi children. When Abbie Hoffman wore the flag as a shirt, he was vilified as flag desecrating bastard. But hell, at least the shirt looked good, a lot better than the cheap and corny trinkets our leaders wear to prove how much they love America.

Supposed lovers of free speech, whether they're leftists or right wingers, are full of shit if they support this long-delayed amendment. But if it does one day pass, at the very least there's a chance that the retarded practice of proving your patriotism via flag pins will stop. And if it doesn't, well fuck it, the true lovers of free speech can just start wearing burning flag pins.